The Breath of Gore

From the Alternate History Series

Press Release
November 1, 2004
OlyPen PIFWire

The President’s remarks were preceded by statements from Chief Justice Hillary Clinton, Secretary of Elections Daily and Secretary of Education Jessie Jackson. Justice Hillary Clinton spoke on why the U.S. Constitution was deemed unfair and voided, Secretary of Elections Daily congratulated voters on a job well done in the recent elections, while Secretary Jackson spoke on and on… The President was introduced by Secretary of State Brazille. who spoke on the benefits of having ceded U.S. national sovereignty to the New World Government in The Hague. U.S. Ambassador to The Hague Bill Clinton added his congratulations to a standing ovation.

President Gore now begins his statements:

"My fellow citizens, let me first say thank you for having unanimously voted me President for the next twelve years. I intend to keep fighting for you and to keep all my promises.

"Before I begin I’d like to congratulate the great country of Mexico on the acquisition of the former states of New Mexico, Arizona, Texas and California, which now stretches all the way to Oregon! Our new Open Border Policy with Mexico allows their wonderful people to achieve true co-citizenship with the U.S.

"President Clinton, now Ambassador Clinton, had the wisdom to author Executive Order 13166 which eliminated English as our official language, and now, with these agreements, with Mexico we are on our way to becoming a true multicultural and multilingual nation! I have been working on similar agreements with the great nation of China, since it’s bloodless acquisition of Taiwan.

"I pledge to you here that I will fight to bring Alaska back into our wonderful Union. They cannot be allowed to keep pumping oil from the Anwar; nor can their claims to have some 60 billion barrels of oil go unchallenged, why that is more then Saudi Arabia has and that is unfair! Secretary of the Interior Ralph Nader is spearheading this effort along with the Pentagon’s Joint Chief of Staff Maxine Walters.

"Just this evening, the results of our Youth For US program, administered by the Federal Emergency Management Agency, were officially presented, confirming that all American youths under the age of eighteen are now part of this wonderful program. If I might just plug my great book, Earth in the Balance is a required part of their studies. Graduates of this amazing program are even now gaining invaluable jobs in our nation’s security forces and beginning to staff Elder Retraining Schools, where people who are Not Right are becoming productive citizens again.

"I want every one to know that just this morning I received congratulations on my leadership and wise decisions from Russia’s President Putin and China’s President Jiang Zemin. I must say that without their wise consul many of my decisions would have been far more difficult. I also owe a debt in that regard to Ambassador Clinton.

"Let me now begin my major remarks.

"On Litmus Tests:
The only litmus test in my Administration for government and judicial officials is that they be willing to do anything. This ensures the will of the people will always be done!

"On Guns:
Since we have begun to confiscate all guns in the hands of individuals in the interests of Public Safety, you’ve probably heard the outlawed NRA say that criminals who attempt to purchase guns should be prosecuted for the felony they are committing. But this isn’t fair, as no one should be allowed to sell guns in the first place. Only government officials now have guns.

"Of course there will always be that criminal element which will get guns anyway, since they are criminals. But that’s OK, because, if they are successful, they will quickly rise in to positions of prominence in the government, and you will have nothing to fear from them.

"On Timber cutting:
As promised not a single tree has been cut in the past four years. Also I am proud to announce that fish and animal populations have begun to achieve historic numbers since we ended the senseless slaughter of these hapless but innocent creatures for hunting and commercial use.

"On the Kyoto Accords:
Now had everyone read my great book Earth in the Balance, prior to my fair election in 2000, you would understand the importance of these Accords. I’m proud to say I’ve kept these promises also, and as Secretary Jackson announced, it is now required reading for everyone.

"Accordingly the U.S. is now required to cut carbon dioxide emissions by at least 5%. People need to be reminded here that, while they inhale oxygen, they exhale carbon dioxide. Therefore, Americans will be required to cut their exhalations by a similar 5%.

"Along these lines, a personal carbon dioxide allocation will be instituted, according to Executive Order 41325898352-C.

"This Order mandates that all personal and commercial vehicles in the U.S. be inspected for CO2 emissions and certified. This certification will be used in a formula which will determine the miles that specific vehicle may be driven in any given day.

"While this may initially impact auto workers, they are cautioned to remember, that while vehicles will be driven dramatically less, vehicles can be used in rotation, increasing the demand for new vehicles. In addition, since auto workers will have to work fewer hours, due to the personal CO2 allocation, more workers will have to be hired, thus increasing union membership and power.

"The biggest impact is forecast to be on bicycle riders and manufactures. While it may initially seem that ridding a bicycle would help decrease CO2 emissions, it must be cautioned that, while riding a bike downhill will be fine for one’s personal CO2 allocation, ridding uphill may take some hour or days, depending on hill grade.

"Runners, joggers and walkers will be strictly monitored and required to wear, at all times, an electronic monitor. These devices will in real time report the users emissions of CO2 to be measured against their personal emission allocation.

"To ensure personal CO2 compliance video cameras will be installed nation-wide at all places where people frequent. As long as people do nothing wrong, there is nothing to worry about.

"Since a large security force will be needed monitor the video screens, this will help transfer the unemployed from other sectors into a low CO2 emission occupation, and, combined with the increase in auto workers, fix unemployment problems once and for all.

"On Population Growth:
It has long been noted that the U.S. suffers from racial imbalances. The Kyoto Accords will go a long way to solving this unfair situation.

"Women in the U.S. have long enjoyed a pro-choice stance when it comes to abortion. But as we have noted elsewhere, this can and does result in an unfair and unbalanced approach to population growth. Since Kyoto demands an over all U.S. population CO2 emission, this must be carefully allocated in a fair and balanced manner. From now on, racial groups which are deemed too large, abortion will be mandatory.

"One very happy result of this for the entire U.S. is that airlines will now be on time.

"Remember, I will keep fighting for you!

"Thank you and good night."

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