Alternate History Series
Today, Fisheries Director Bern Shanks unveiled the Washington Dept. of Fish & Wildlife’s new slogan for the newly expanded fin-clip and delayed release programs: Two Fish In Every Creek.
When questioned closely about this slogan, Mr. Shanks said, “There are literally tens of thousands of small creeks which are tributaries of the Puget Sound watersheds, especially in the Hood Canal area. If you do the math you will see that this will solve the so-called salmon crisis once and for all".
The Director added, "It really does not matter what the sex of the two fish are, since we can pump out tens of millions of fry for release each year.
"An added benefit of this innovative approach will be full employment for the department’s many hundreds of biologists and contribute heavily to the University of Washington Fisheries School’s funding appropriations to keep us supplied with a steady stream of new biologists, and reflect increased dissertations, as the volume of tenure papers goes up commensurably.
"We are working with a number of Urban Planners in the King County region to set up an overhead transportation system for a large number of these pristine creeks. This will allow the general public to not only reach and view formerly inaccessible areas, but give them a sense of how wisely their hard-earned tax dollars are being used to help the formerly beleaguered salmon.
"It is expected that this will greatly help the tourism industry by attracting many new residents to Washington State.
"I’d like to add that these overhead trams will include a unique sanitation feature for the comfort and enjoyment of the public. This is the innovative pass-through pipe, which will allow instant fertilization of these creeks, thereby increasing the usable habitat for the fish.
Thank you.", he concluded
When questioned as to the origin of this wonderful new slogan, Mr. Shanks said he first heard it while attending a conference at Fort Worden, located in Port Townsend.
It was during a personal confrontation by a grizzled and aged gillnetter. The gillnet slime bag had the audacity to ask Bern if this was his department’s new policy.
At the time, Bern had no direct answer, but did immediately call for a dozen of his heavily armed fisheries patrol officers and the local sheriff to take up posts around and in the conference hall, in case these scruffy and unruly characters got out of hand.
It was only later, upon reflection of the day’s events, that Mr. Shanks realized just what a capital idea this could become in the right hands. He added, "It was the only good idea I’ve every heard from that bunch".
Note to my Secretary: Please file this under "Salmon Disneyland".
Justification: Includes rides through a Theme Park.